


The Way I Am

by mythicaliz



Category: Rhett & Link
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Timelines, Blow Jobs, Country Rhett, Craigslist, Grindr, Homophobia, Hook-Up, Infidelity, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Pining Rhett, Running Away, Singer Rhett, Song Lyrics, Suicidal Thoughts, Touring, a tiny amount of underage sex, bitter rhett, but he's in pain so we forgive him, death mentioned, fuck the pain away, rhett is an asshole
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2018-03-05
Packaged: 2019-03-07 18:09:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 19,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13440360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mythicaliz/pseuds/mythicaliz
Summary: After being outed to his homophobic father, 17 year old Rhett runs away to Nashville to becomes a singer in a Merle Haggard tribute band. The music and lyrics of Haggard provide the soundtrack to Rhett's life of pain and loss as he deals with being stuck in a life that isn't his, and the regret of leaving Link behind.





	1. Mama Tried

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



> I started this fic after the 45 minutes of pleasure story in the book of mythicality and this backstage performance of The Way I Am in Chicago on the Tour of Mythicality. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HoI4DJL-ylQ
> 
> Each chapter is based on a different Merle song so I have made a playlist to go along with the fic, please listen along!  
> https://open.spotify.com/user/12176694944/playlist/3rM2l6phQOV3hZXX1zZLiK
> 
> thanks to Kinley for her beta skills and country music love. on ao3 as feelssoseattle or tumblr as @mclaughneal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sue confronts Link about his relationship with Rhett

 

_1996 Buies Creek, North Carolina_

 

After class one afternoon Rhett stood outside of Harnett Central High, leaning on a brick wall, one of his impossibly long legs tucked up, sole flat on the brick, his face buried in a copy of _Sing Me Back Home: My Story by Merle Haggard._ His copy was well read and dog eared. It has originally been his father’s but he’d read it so many times it was as good as his. As much as he loved to read, he would always come back to this autobiography. He respected Merle so much and he thought maybe somewhere in the biography of his hero would lie some answers to the questions he had been pondering in his own life.

 

The cool spring breeze blew through the schoolyard. In just a few months he and his best friend Link would graduate high school, and be roomies at North Carolina State University. They would be on their own; they would be men. He couldn’t wait. Raleigh was hardly New York City but the prospect of moving anywhere with a building more than a five storeys, and a view more interesting than tobacco fields, made him feel down right cosmopolitan. Not that Buies Creek was all bad. He’d miss swimming in the Cape Fear River with Link, their long talks at the speaking rocks in the cow pasture where they made their blood oath, driving the long country dirt roads.

 

Link burst through the double metal doors leading out to the parking lot, pulling the hood of his grey hoodie over his head.  He smiled brightly as he made his way over to Rhett. For eleven years, Rhett had seen this goofy smile almost every day and he couldn’t help but grin back at his best friend. Rhett thought Link look like a dork with his middle parted shaggy hair and his barely there goatee. But, to be honest, he was envious. Even squinting, Rhett’s blonde face fuzz was barely visible. The pair made their way to Rhett’s Dodge Dynasty and Rhett revved the engine a few times before pulling out of his parking space to drive Link home.

 

Link pushed the cassette tape into the tape player. At first the tape squeaked and sputtered. Link’s slim fingers finagled a piece of cardboard, squeezing and shaping it, jimmying it into the slot to position the tape just right.  Steel guitar flooded the car, Link kept time, slapping his hand on his knee. Rhett drove fast, fields and farms whizzing past them. The air was crisp and cool, the earthy smell of freshly plowed soil wafted off the fields.

                                     

 

Rhett’s car, typical of a teenage boy, was filthy. He had burger wrappers on the floor, his stinky basketball shoes airing out in the back. “Ugh, man. Would it kill you to throw out your trash?” Link teased, throwing empty cans of Doctor Pepper that were crowding his feet into the back seat.

 

“Hey, don’t look a gift ride in the mouth,” Rhett joked. Link had his own vehicle, if it really bothered Link he could drive himself. But, Link would rather ride with him. They had it all worked out, Rhett drove to and from school, and on weekends they’d take Link’s truck. It was handy to have a more rugged ride for their weekend hijinks.

 

Sometimes Rhett found it hard to keep his eyes on the road. He would steal long glances at Link’s profile as he gazed out the passenger window, at his hands keeping rhythm on his knee, at his magnificent adam’s apple bobbing as he sang harmony. This is when he was happiest. Him and Link, driving in the Dynasty, with Merle. Things didn’t get much better.  The pair sang along to the chorus at the top of their lungs.

 

_I turned twenty-one in prison doing life without parole_

_No one could steer me right but Mama tried, Mama tried_

_Mama tried to raise me better, but her pleading, I denied_

_That leaves only me to blame ‘cause Mama tried_

 

Most days he wished Link lived further away. That he had an excuse to drive a little farther, talk a little longer, sing just one more song, but sooner than he liked he was pulling into Link’s driveway. Before Link could even undo his seatbelt his mom, Sue, was out the front door, calling to him.  She stood on the front porch, arms crossed, her face painted with worry as she watched the boys pull in.

 

“Uh-oh. Mom looks upset,” Link whispered.

 

“Hi Miss Sue!” Rhett said, sticking his long neck out of the window. “Everything alright?”

 

“Yes Rhett, Everything is fine, I just need to speak to Lincoln.” Despite her assurance, she seemed distraught.

 

“Mama, can Rhett stay for dinner?” Link asked, as he got out of the car, kissing her on the cheek.

 

“No Link, not tonight.”

 

“Sorry,” Link grimaced at Rhett, who chuckled.

 

“No problem, call me later?” Rhett said, holding his thumb and pinky up to his face like a telephone.

 

Link nodded and flashed him another toothy smile as he made his way inside with his mom.

 

Sue situated herself at the small wooden kitchen table while Link poured himself a bowl of cereal. “What’s wrong mama?” he said, sliding into the chair beside her, his mouth full of mini wheats.

 

“What is the meaning of this Lincoln?” she asked, pulling a cassette tape out of her apron pocket.

 

Link picked up the plastic case to examine the tracklist and cover made by Rhett. “What? It’s a tape Rhett made me. All Merle. You know how much we love Merle.”

 

“Forty five minutes of pleasure?”

 

“Oh it’s just a joke, mama. Because there’s nothing more pleasurable than listening to Merle,” Link smirked as he leaned back in his chair and shoved the tape into his jeans pocket.

 

“Link, I worry about your relationship with Rhett.”

 

“Why would you worry? We support each other. We’re both on the dean’s list, top of our class, we don’t smoke dope or get into trouble. We’re good boys.”

 

“I see how he looks at you, Link.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I… I worry about you Link. That you’re going to give in to urges rather than protect your immortal soul. The bible is very clear about this.”

 

“What the crap? He’s my best friend, my brother. That’s it.”

 

“Rhett has a brother. He doesn't spend every waking minute with him,” Sue said as she got up from the table, pacing around the kitchen. “ You two are dependent on each other. Like you can’t survive without the other one. It’s not natural.” She paused, leaning on the kitchen sink, hanging her head. She picked up a plate that had been left in the sink, frowned at it, and put it back down. She took a deep breath blinking back tears, “ You’re seventeen and still have sleepovers every weekend like you’re in grade school. You always sit so close. If you sat any closer you’d be on his lap. It’s like you push the boundaries of acceptability to the brink.”

 

“Mama,” he said, walking over to her and putting a comforting hand on her arm.

 

She shrugged it off and picked up a dish cloth, avoiding eye contact as she wiped down the already clean countertops. “Lincoln, what girl would want to date you when you’re making eyes at that giant blonde boy all the time? How are you ever gonna get married and give me grand babies if you’re spending all your time with Rhett?”

 

“I’m seventeen years old. Getting married and having children is the last thing on my to do list right now. And I can survive without Rhett. But life wouldn’t be much fun without him.”

 

“I know you think I’m crazy but I’m not the only one who sees it. Pastor John took me aside on Sunday. Even people around town have said things to me about you and your _friend_.”

 

“What do you want me to do, Mom? He’s all I have.” Link hung his head and fidgeted with his hoodie strings. The words even surprised him as they came out of his mouth. He never had said it aloud, but the second he uttered them he knew it was the truth.  “And yeah, I’m not stupid. I’ve heard people mutter ‘fag’ as I walk by,” he whispered. “If Rhett wasn’t a freaking giant we’d probably both had the crap beaten out of us by now. But we’re not. I promise you! I like girls. Someday I will get married, and be the man you want me to be. I swear, I’ll do you proud.” He was practically pleading, begging for her to believe him. His eyes welling up with tears.

 

Sue sighed and smoothed out her blouse. “I know, baby. I’m just asking you to be careful. And I think you should limit the time you spend together. One night a week after school and no more sleepovers when I’m on the night shift at the hospital. Only when Rhett’s parents or I am home. And you sleep in separate rooms. Got it?”  


Link sighed. He wanted to argue, to fight back. But he also knew his mother would ban all contact all together which would be a million times worse. “Yes ma’am. Got it.”  he made his way to his room. He tried not to slam the door, he really did, but try as he could the tiny house still shook.

 

He pulled the tape out of his jeans and put it in his boombox. The same song they had been listening to in Rhett’s car filled his room. Link smirked at the title, ‘Mama tried.’ He pulled the pillows off his bed onto the floor and began taking his frustration out on them. Punching as hard as he could, his racket covered by Merle’s vocals.

 

_One and only rebel child,_

_From a family, meek and mind_

_My Mama seemed to know what lay in store_

_Despite my Sunday learning_

_Towards the bad, I kept on turning_

_‘Til Mama couldn’t hold me anymore_

 

He was emotionally and physically exhausted by the time he stopped punching the pillows and picked up his garfield phone with shaky hands. He pressed his index finger into the keypad, the tones playing the familiar tune of Rhett’s phone number. He prayed Sue wouldn’t pick up the phone and hear him on the line.

 

“Hey Bo,” he whispered into the reciever, “My mom has an overnight shift at the hospital tomorrow night. Wanna sleep over? You gotta be gone before noon Saturday though when she gets home... I’ll explain later but she said you weren't allowed to stay over when she’s not here… yes of course I’m inviting you over to spite her… yeah there’s lots of snacks… okay see you then, brother.” Link hung up the receiver with a new found sense of rebellion.


	2. The Way I Am

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rhett confesses his feelings to Link
> 
> click this link to hear Rhett and Link sing this song!  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HoI4DJL-ylQ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> contains some very minor under age making out.

Rhett headed over to Link’s house the minute he called to let him know Sue had gone to work. It had been a long week of basketball drills and exams and he just wanted to unwind, have a few laughs, sing and be with Link. His father had been especially overbearing lately and although he'd been with Link a few hours earlier at school but he was anxious for them to be back together. 

 

He arrived with a bag of Mcdonald's burgers for the two of them, and his guitar. Rhett took off his windbreaker and adjusted his green striped polo shirt that was somehow simultaneously way too short and way too wide for his awkward frame. The pair sat in the living room, Rhett on the couch, Link on the floor beside him. Each polished off a few burgers and a can of mellow yellow. Hunger and thirst satisfied Rhett pulled out his acoustic guitar. He turned the machine heads, making sure it was in tune. A few plucks and strums later he nodded with satisfaction and took a slow breath in. His long fingers picked the strings and his baritone voice began to sing.

 

_ Wish I were down, on some blue bayou _

_ A bamboo cane, stuck in the sand _

_ But the road I’m on, don’t seem to go there _

_ So I’ll just dream, and keep on being the way I am _

 

Rhett’s eyes closed as he fell deeper into the music, continuing with the second verse.

 

_ Wish I enjoyed, what makes my living _

_ Doin’ what I do, with a willing hand _

_ But the road I’m on… _

 

“That’s not the right words,” Link said softly. “It’s ‘some would run.’ ”

“Yeah,” Rhett muttered.   
“ ‘but that ain’t likely’ ” Link continued.

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll go again,” Rhett whispered.

 

_ Some would run, but that ain’t likely _

_ So I’ll just dream on keeping the way I am _

 

Link nodded and Rhett continued on to the chorus, Link joining in on the harmony.

_ The way I am, don’t fit my shackles _

_ The way I am, reality _

_ I can almost see that bobber dancing _

_ So I just dream and keep on being the way I am  _

_ I just dream and keep on being the way I am  _

 

Link yodeled the outro and smiled as Rhett plucked the last notes on the guitar.

 

“Man, what a song,” Link said, flopping his head backward on the sofa, looking up at Rhett. 

 

Rhett gingerly placed his guitar on the floor.

 

“You ever feel like that?” He asked Link.

 

“What do you mean, Rhett?” Link replied.

 

“Stuck in a life that isn’t yours?”

 

“I’m seventeen. I have you. I have my mama, going to college in the fall. Life is pretty good. Do you feel that way?”

 

Rhett sighed, with his elbows on his knees he reached back and stroked the buzzed hair at the back of his head. “Sometimes. It’s nothing. Forget about it.”

 

Link pulled himself up on the sofa to sit beside Rhett, his blue eyes searching Rhett’s grey-green ones. “You know you can tell me anything, right? There is nothing you could say that would make me turn against you.”

 

“I know. I just don’t want to drag you down with me.”

 

“Please, Rhett...” Link said softly, reaching out and putting his hand on Rhett’s shoulder.

 

Rhett looked at the floor, shuffling his feet, avoiding the conversation.

 

Link bent his head down, trying to meet Rhett’s eyes. “Can I ask you a question? But please don’t get mad at me.” 

 

Rhett nodded.

 

“The thing my mom wanted to talk to me about yesterday and why you aren’t supposed to be here right now, is— she um...”

 

“What, Link?” Rhett said, raising his head up to meet Link’s gaze.

 

“She...thinks you’re, uhh...”

 

“What?” Rhett pressed on in a whispered tone, part of him already knowing what Link was about to say.

 

“...in love... with me. Is— is that it?”

 

The silence hung between them for what seemed like forever until Rhett nodded the tiniest nod. He sniffled and wiped his nose with the back of his arm. 

 

“It’s okay, Link. I know you don’t feel the same. And that’s fine. Believe me, I don’t want to love you. I don't want to go to hell.” Rhett’s voice cracked as the tears began to fall.

 

Link was struggling to process this information. His best friend, his blood brother, was in love with him? None of it made sense. “But, Rhett… you’re a ladies man. I don’t understand?” 

 

Rhett took a deep breath, “I know I talk a good game about girls but, really, I don’t want to be with any of them. It’s just to keep my parents off my back. My dad told me if he ever found I was that way he’d pull out a shotgun and put me out of my misery.” Rhett’s hands shook as he wiped the tears that were falling on his cheeks.

 

Link threw his arms around Rhett, pulling him in tight. He didn’t want to see his friend suffer. He wanted to make his pain go away, to comfort him. But his head was swimming. His stomach nervous. As much as he didn’t want things to change between them, they had. Part of his brain was telling him to let go, to run away, that he would burn in eternal hellfire for even being friends with Rhett. The other half told him to hold Rhett tighter.

 

Rhett’s tears fell on his bare neck. “You don’t know how long I’ve been carrying this around, Link. Thank you for not freaking out.”

 

“Hey, shh it’s ok,” Link said, pulling back slightly to meet Rhett’s gaze. “Brothers, no matter what. You got that?”

 

Rhett smiled weakly and put his head back on Link’s shoulder.

 

Eventually they both relaxed into the embrace. They’d hugged a hundred times, in victory and comfort but with Rhett’s admission things had changed. Touching was old and new at the same time. They'd wrestled and roughoused countless times, but now there was a new electricity. They fit together so perfectly, Link’s skinny legs tucked up almost in Rhett’s lap and Rhett’s ridiculously long arms engulfing Link’s tiny frame. Two perfect puzzle pieces. They both inhaled each other’s scent and marveled how it smelled like home.

 

Eventually Rhett sighed, and pulled back. As he did, Link lurched forward. His lips meeting Rhett’s. It was just a peck but both of them were surprised by it. Link giggled nervously, “I’m sorry I… I don’t know why I did that.”

 

“Did you like it?” Rhett hesitantly asked.

 

“Yeah,” Link whispered, his eyes searching Rhett’s for meaning.

 

Rhett gently grasped the back of his head, pulling him into his space, Their lips met again, this time with purpose. Rhett felt the edges of Link’s mouth curve into a grin as their lips crashed together. Rhett’s hands slowly made their way down Link’s broad shoulders down to his hands which he held onto for dear life as he pulled himself away. 

 

“Link, we should stop. I don’t want you to go to hell too.”

 

“Shut up, Rhett,” Link replied, kissing him again. He didn’t have to be told twice. Rhett’s firm tongue parted Link’s lips as Link pushed Rhett back so he was lying down on the sofa, Link straddling him. Rhett’s big hands found their way to Link’s hips as they tentatively rocked against his groin. Rhett growled as he kissed Link deeper. He had dreamt about a moment like this so many times. It’s what he would think about jerking off in the shower or under the covers late at night. But never in his wildest dreams did he think he would ever be so lucky to touch Link Neal, not like this.

 

The pair were breathless as they parted lips. Rhett held Link’s face in his huge hands, reveling in how his blown out pupils had changed his eyes from blue to black. Rhett’s chest heaved as he tried to catch his breath. He doubted he would be able to, his heart was beating so fast. It was too late when they finally heard the footsteps entering the living room. Link tried to scramble off of Rhett, to cover his crotch with his hands, to will the swelling out of his lips, but it was pointless. They’d been caught. 


	3. The Running Kind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rhett and Link get caught by Sue and Rhett makes a snap decision that changes the course of their relationship.

“Charles Lincoln Neal the Third,” Sue bellowed as she entered the room, the boys scrambling to opposite sides of the sofa. 

 

“Ma, what— what are you doing home?”

 

“I asked Cheryl to drive by after her shift and call me if there was a Dynasty in the driveway. Lo and behold an hour in I’m being paged to the phone. I had to make up a family emergency to come home,” said stomping into the living room, her eyes rimmed red from crying. Her hands shook as she paced back and forth.

 

“I… I’m sorry Miss Sue. I’ll leave,” Rhett said, jumping up and putting his guitar in it’s case.

 

“You sit your behind down, Rhett,” Sue said sternly.

 

“Yes Ma’am,” Rhett replied, dropping back down on the sofa. He may have had over a foot on the woman but when Sue told him to sit, he sat.

 

“Lincoln, how could you disobey me? I told you Rhett wasn’t allowed to be here, and it looks like I was right about his motives.” she shot Rhett the iciest glare.

 

“Ma’am I don’t have motives. I just—”

 

“You just put your own perverted desires over the soul of my boy. You call him your friend but you’d happily watch him burn if it meant you could get yours, isn’t that right, son?”

 

“Mama, no. it’s not like that, Rhett and I— ”

 

“Quiet Lincoln,” she interrupted. 

 

Link shut his mouth and pulled his knees up to his chest, hugging them.

 

“You are forbidden from spending any time with Rhett. You don’t drive with him, you don’t talk to him, you come home directly after school every day. Rhett I’ll be calling your parents.”

 

Rhett’s eyes widened and he dropped to his knees at her feet. “No, no please Miss Sue. Please. My daddy will kill me. He will pull out his pistol and shoot me in the head. Please.”  Tears started to stream down his face.

 

“You should have thought about that before you defiled my son.”

 

“Shit, shit, shit,” Rhett muttered, rising to his feet and pacing, his mind racing. “Link I’m going. I don’t know where, but I’m getting in my car and driving as far away from Buies Creek as possible. I’m never coming back. Are you gonna come with me?”

 

“Rhett... No. Please! We can get through this, we can be apart until college. It’s only a few months. Please don’t leave.”

 

“College?!” Sue scoffed. “You really think I’d allow you to go to the same school as this pervert, let alone room with him?”

 

“Link, come with me. I promise I’ll do right by you. I love you, please. I can’t do this without you.”

 

“Rhett... I... I don’t know…”

 

“Fuck, Link. Whatever,” Rhett said, grabbing his guitar and bolting out the door.

 

He didn’t even look back. He knew it would hurt too much to see Link’s face. He just ran, jumping in the Dynasty and high tailing it to his house. He figured Sue would yell at Link for a while. Give him a through lecture before she called his parents. He hoped that was the case, his life depended on it.

 

The roads were nearly empty and he blew past every stop sign. He left his car running as he ran into the house taking the steps two at a time as he ran to his room. He grabbed a duffel bag, shoving clothes haphazardly into it. He pulled open his bottom desk drawer and took out a box. It was full of cash he’d been stowing away for college. Almost two grand in bills and change. He heard the phone ring and his dad answer. He knew he maybe had a minute before he’d be on the business end of his dad’s gun. He looked around his room one last time, saying a silent goodbye to his childhood as he ran down the stairs.

 

“Yes, thanks Sue, you did the right thing calling. Good night,” Jim said as he hung up the phone. “Boy!” he bellowed, stomping towards the entrance, meeting Rhett at the bottom of the stairs. Jim reached up and grabbed Rhett by the collar of his polo shirt. His face was red with anger, split flying from his lips as he spoke. “No son of mine is that way,” he sneered. 

 

“Let go of me, dad,” Rhett whimpered. 

 

Jim tentatively reached for his holster. Would his dad actually shoot him? He'd been threatened enough times to know he couldn't afford to take a chance. Rhett reeled back and punched him square in the face. Jim dropped to the ground, blood pouring from his nose. 

 

Rhett ran out the door, his father was soon on his feet his shorter legs struggling to close the gap, his vision blurry with blood and pain. “Don’t worry dad, I’m gone, I ain't no son of yours,” Rhett said, jumping in his car and backing out of the driveway. 

 

“You’d better stay gone, boy,” his dad yelled as he tore off.

 

His heart raced as he sped down his street, out of his neighborhood. He fought back tears as he drove. He already missed his mama, and Cole. And Link. God he missed Link already and it hadn’t even been an hour. But he gave Link the option, and he had been rejected.  When he reached the country highway flanked by fields and horse paddocks the overwhelming silence of the night overtook him. He was alone with his thoughts but he wasn't ready to hear them. Instead he pressed play on the tape deck. Merle’s soothing voice filled the cabin of his car. 

 

_ Within me there’s a prison, surrounding me alone _

_ As real as any dungeon with a wall of stone _

_ I know running’s not the answer, but running’s been my nature _

_ And a part of me that keeps me moving on  _

_ I was born the running kind, leaving always on my mind _

_ Home was never home to me at anytime _

_ Every front door found me open, I would find the back door open _

_ There just had to be a lesson for the running kind _

 

Rhett couldn't help but snicker at the irony. He'd never thought himself the running kind, yet here he was, fleeing the scene of his transgression. Running away from his family, his future, and the one he loved. 

 

After listening to Merle for a while, his tears dried and his breathing calmed. He drove until he got to the interstate but without a destination he was paralyzed. He was sure his father hadn't followed him, and he was far enough away from home no one was likely to spot him. 

 

He checked the clock on his dash; 2:43 am. He couldn't believe how late it was. He pulled into a twenty four hour truck stop and dug his Tri-state road Atlas out of his trunk, tucking it under his arm as he made his way into the restaurant. 

 

The diner looked like something out of the fifties. Not in a kitschy nostalgic way, but in a sad neglected way. He sat himself down at a dimly lit booth with rips and stains in the leatherette. He flipped mindlessly through the atlas. Eventually a middle aged waitress came by and took his order for coffee, a cheese burger and fries. 

 

The more he looked at the atlas the more overwhelmed he felt. He figured it was best to let fate decide. He blindly opened the book to a random page, closed his eyes and pointed to a spot on the map. He half opened one eye, then the other. An inch from his finger was a circle and a star, and in bold writing,  _ NASHVILLE _ .

 

“Hmmm. Nashville…” he muttered to himself. There were worse places to end up. It was big enough he could be fairly anonymous and he didn't know anyone there who would report his whereabouts back to his father. He scarfed down his meal, not realizing how hungry he actually was, and got back in his car. 

 

He filled up his gas tank, got a to go cup of coffee and put the car in gear. He looked at his guitar on the passenger seat beside him and nodded. Nashville it was. He pulled onto the I-40 and headed West.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sure IRL Rhett and Link's parents are all wonderful people. this is fiction.


	4. Makeup and Faded Blue Jeans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Four years later Rhett's made a life for himself in Nashville, but when a cute brunette walks into his gig he begins to doubt himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SPOILER/TRIGGER WARNING
> 
>  
> 
> Contains some underage sex but it's not graphic and necessary for plot.

 

 

_Nashville, Tennessee 2000_

Rhett had been in Nashville for four years when things finally started to settle into some sort of life he felt okay with. Shortly after arriving he had gotten a job at the famous Bluebird Cafe. At first he was just a dishwasher but he worked his way up to barback. Aside from hauling kegs and recycling empties, he got to listen to some of Nashville’s finest musicians. Sometimes it was songwriters workshopping new songs, or up and coming musicians looking to get a big break, and occasionally a very famous country star would drop in and do an acoustic set in the tiny club. He often looked on in awe as some of his favourites performed. 

One tuesday two years after he started working there the open mic night line up was a little light and his boss, who had heard him sing while washing dishes, egged him on to perform. He sang a few Merle songs and was encouraged week after week to take the stage. He became so popular the boss gave him a set every Monday. Merle Monday’s they called it. He put together a tight band with local musicians and every week he lived for his hour on the stage, covering his favourite songs by his favourite artist.

It was on one of these Mondays that the cafe was unusually busy. It was frosh week at Vanderbilt and the place was full of freshmen trying their luck with fake IDs. Rhett took a final look at himself in the mirror backstage before going on. He placed a cowboy hat on his shaved head, and smoothed out his soul patch. It wasn’t much but at least he was able to grow some facial hair now. He wore a tight white v-neck shirt and blue jeans with a large brass belt buckle and brown cowboy boots. He was almost twenty-three but looking in the mirror he felt about forty-five. He sighed and took the stage with his band.

Rhett was half way through his set when he began Make-Up and Faded Blue Jeans, an upbeat number. His hips instinctively rolled as he strummed his guitar, getting into the groove of the music. 

_In downtown Modesto I was workin’ the Holiday Inn_

_I would stick with a gig that would last us throughout the weekend_

_I was singing a new song I’d wrote on the way into town_

_When she came in the front door and found her a place to sit down_

A petite brunette woman caught Rhett’s eye as she danced her way from the bar to the stage with a glass of jack and coke in her hand. 

_Hey I knew right away that she liked the words to my song_

_‘Cause she stared at my git-guitar and followed my fingers too long_

_And she had the likeness of a girl I’d seen in my dreams_

_But lights can do wonders with make-up and faded blue jeans_

She made her way to the front of the stage, dancing in her tight jeans, cowboy boots and purple gingham blouse. Her long brown hair cascaded down her chest in curls, her blouse open maybe one button too many, her navy lacy bra peeking out. She bit her bottom lip as she stared at Rhett. He felt like he was in her cross hairs.

_And the last thing I needed was somebody messin’ up my mind_

_So I found a hundred reasons for lookin’ her way one more time_

_She could cause me to sing bad and fall out of love with guitar_

_And blow all my chances at bein’ a big singing star_

He tried to look away, to work the crowd walking to the other side of the stage, but her eyes followed him. He couldn’t deny she was attractive. Even as a gay man he could appreciate her beauty and sex appeal. But he had spent the past four years not getting involved. Keeping relationships at arms reach. Sure he’d bedded a few guys. Musicians passing through, tourists looking for a vacation romp with a tall sexy cowboy, but never girls, and this girl was trouble.

_With one passin’ glance I could tell she was young for her age_

_Yeah she got to looking better as she got down closer to the stage_

_And as she sipped on her wine I knew just the kind she would be_

_And somehow I knew she was here to do bad things to me_

For the rest of his set she stayed close to the stage, making eyes at him, dancing for him, her hands trailing down her slim body. He was relieved when the set was finally over. 

He made his way to the bar and sat down, chugging a glass of water the bartender passed to him. 

“Hey, what’s your name?” the petite woman yelled over the music as she slid onto the barstool next to him.

“James,” Rhett answered, shaking her tiny hand. Since his arrival in Nashville he’d been going by his middle name. “James Mack.”

“Well James Mack, I’m Jessie Lane,” she said, twirling a lock of her hair, “can I buy you a drink?”

“No thanks darlin’,” he said, raising his glass of water and squinting at her. She sighed and went back to the dance floor.

The bartender refilled Rhett’s glass of water and Rhett’s eyes wandered up to the tv behind the bar, to the Vanderbilt vs N.C. State basketball game. He watched sadly. He should be at the PNC arena watching the game, cheering on the Wolfpack. Hell, maybe he’d even be playing for them. He watched as the camera panned the crowd. It zoomed in on a foursome of young guys. All shirtless, in crimson NC State sweatpants, with the letters H-E-R-B written on their chest. Rhett choked on his water. There, with a big, stupid red E on his chest, was Link.

He was still hopelessly skinny but had filled out a little, especially in the shoulders, his hair was black and poofy, his sweatpants hung low on his slim hips, his boxers peeking out of the top. His long arm was around the waist of the guy beside him as they sang the NC State fight song. Is that... his _boyfriend_? Rhett thought. 

“Hey Kyle, I’ll have a double bourbon, neat,” he said to the bartender.

“Sure James, thought you didn’t drink,” said pouring him a glass of Jim Beam.

“I don’t,” Rhett said slamming the drink back.

“Another,” he said, pushing the glass back to the bartender for a refill.

He felt a soft hand on his shoulder and he turned to see Jessie standing beside him, “you look like you need a friend,” she said, “sure I can’t buy you that drink?”

Rhett patted the barstool beside him and she hopped up. “Six shots of tequila,” she said to the bartender with a wicked grin.

* * *

 

Before he knew it, the barley five foot tall woman’s hand was twined with his, somehow his long legs were struggling to keep up with her short ones as they walked in the cool night. His head swam with alcohol as she swiped her keycard to get into her dorm.

They walked up the three flights of stairs to her room. Her dorm room was almost adorable. Her pink satin bedspread, and the vase of dried flowers on her desk. The teddy bear on her pillow and the lavender sachet hanging off her drawer. Rhett stumbled in, sitting down on the bed. Jessie shrugged off her denim jacket and slowly walked towards him, pushing his knees open so she was standing between them. Sitting on the bed he was still taller than her. She raised slightly on the balls of her feet, pulling him in for a kiss. Rhett bent down into the kiss. He had to admit, it felt nice. The last few years had been incredibly lonely. He had his coworkers, and his bandmates, but no real friends. He had the odd hookup but no real relationships. Maybe he was just lonely, maybe the image of Link on that TV screen would have pushed him into whatever arms were waiting, but in the moment, being with Jessie felt good.

Jessie got down on her knees and undid Rhett’s fly. He could tell she hadn’t gone down on too many guys. Frankly, he figured guys were just better at giving blow jobs, they knew what they were working with. He humoured her for a while but her lack of skill made things uncomfortable and he knew he’d never get off like this. “Hey, come here darlin’,” he said, pulling her up on the bed. He kissed her sweetly, “you sure are pretty,” he drawled. 

His head was spinning with alcohol and doubt. He was gay, he knew he was gay, so why was he here with this girl? He knew he was charming, he’d had lots of practice flirting with girls in high school. And he wasn’t bad looking, he knew that much. There was just something about her. Her tiny waist and brown hair.

“I don’t want you to say I’m pretty,” she said, as she undid the mother of pearl snaps on her blouse, exposing her lacey navy bra and wriggled out of her jeans, revealing the matching panties. “I want you to say I’m sexy."

“You’re sexy, darlin’, very,” he said. She flashed a Beauty Queen's smile and pounced on him.

He wasn’t lying. Objectively she was sexy. A cute little body and a winning smile. But as she held onto her white wicker headboard and he felt himself inside of her, all he could think about was Link’s broad shoulders, about his cute ass and how his sweatpants hung on his slim hips. 

He wondered if his dorm mate ever pinned him down like he used to. Say _I’m dead_ and then lie motionless on him, breathing hotly in his ear. He wondered if his replacement ever got a hard on and Link ever raised his ass slightly, inviting more friction. He wondered if they lay there grinding on each other, if he ever pulled Link’s stupid red sweatpants down and just fucked him on their dirty dorm room carpet. Worse, he wondered if they ever kissed, if they cuddled in their bunk bed every night, leaving the top bunk untouched. He wondered if they held hands in the darkness of the lecture hall or if, worst of all, they were _in_ _love_.

A single tear rolled down his cheek as he opened his eyes to the girl on him, her breasts in his face. He didn’t want to be here. He didn’t want to be fucking her, he wanted to be in a different dorm room, a few states over, with a different petite brunette riding him. He wrapped his big hands around her tiny hips and set the pace as he bucked his hips into her. He wondered if Link’s skin would be as soft as hers, what his added weight would feel like on top of him. He came as he thought about Link’s beautiful lips open and moaning, his ridiculous adam's apple and his sinewy neck gasping in pleasure.

Jessie rolled off of him, trying to catch her breath. “I should go,” he said as he did up his jeans. 

“Wait, you could stay, y’know,” she said, the covers pulled up around her naked body, her sweaty hair stuck to her neck.

“Gotta go darlin’,” he said kissing her on the cheek. 

“Ok,” she said weakly as he closed the door behind him.


	5. I've Got a Darling For a Wife

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rhett faces the consequences of his one night stand with Jessie.

 

When he’d left her dorm room that night he was thinking two things.  _ I’m never sleeping with another woman _ and  _ God, I hope I never see her again.  _ He worried that she’d show up at the bar, that she’d be clingy. He felt bad about how he had left her but he didn’t want to give her any hope of anything more. The months passed and he was relieved to see no sign of Miss Jessie Lane.

 

Nashville in December was beautiful. All of downtown was lit up with Christmas lights, the cafe was always busy and the customers, full of Christmas cheer, always tipped extra generously. Rhett was in a pretty good mood when he took the stage that night, despite having to help close up after his set. The band was tight, the audience was loving every song, and he felt on top of the world. Sure he was just a guy on a stage that later would be putting the chairs on top to the tables and mopping the floor, but for that hour on stage he was a king.

 

Towards the end of his set he noticed a tall, balding middle aged man glaring at him from the bar. The crowd parted slightly and he saw the man had his arm protectively around a short woman, Jessie. His mouth went dry as he finished his set. This man’s beady eyes were trained on him and he had no idea why. 

 

He finished his set and slipped out back behind the bar into the alley for a few minutes. Something was telling him to run, but he was at work. He couldn’t just leave. He was angry at himself for agreeing to take his coworker’s shift. It was too late anyway, the man and Jessie came around the corner into the alley, trapping Rhett in the dead end. “Hey Jessie,” he said quietly. 

 

“Hi James,” she said with  _ I’m sorry _ painted on her face, “this is my daddy.”

 

“Oh, uh, hello Mr. Lane,” Rhett said, stretching out a hand which was ignored.

 

“Boy, what is wrong with you?” her father asked.

 

“I’m sorry, sir? I don’t understand?”

 

“Didn’t your daddy teach you not to go around knocking up teenage girls?”

 

“What?” Rhett’s head spun with panic as her father’s words registered.  “Jessie?” he asked, with a pleading, shaky voice.

 

“James… I’m pregnant,” she said with a hand on her barely-showing belly.

 

“Jesus Christ, Jessie,” Rhett said, grabbing the back of his head with both hands, pacing back and forth. “And how old are you?”

 

“S-seventeen,” she said, tears welling up in her eyes.

 

“Fuck… FUCK,” he said as he punched the brick wall behind him. His knuckles were covered in blood and it dripped down his hand. “What the hell, Jessie. Seriously? And what do you expect me to do?”

 

“Boy, I expect you to make an honest woman out of her. The wedding is on Saturday at the First Methodist Church at 2pm. If you don’t show you won’t have to worry about me contacting the authorities, because I’ll hunt you down personally. I’d rather my grandbaby have a dead daddy than no daddy at all.” he opened his jacket to give Rhett a glimpse of his Colt 45 holstered on his side.

 

Jessie began to sob and reached out for Rhett.  He pulled her close, his long arms wrapping around her, “It’s okay darlin’ it’s okay. I’ll do right by you,” he said, kissing the top of her head. As the words left his mouth, he wasn’t even sure he believed them. But what choice did he have? 

* * *

 

Saturday morning he looked in the mirror. He had on his least holey pair of jeans, and his best cowboy shirt. It was navy with red piping and red roses embroidered on the top of the chest. Shiny mother of pearl snap buttons glimmered down the front. The somber look on his face looked more like he was preparing for a funeral than a wedding.  He washed his face, brushed his teeth, grabbed his cowboy hat and sat in the Dynasty. He could just drive. Get the hell out of Nashville, run. But he was already running, from Buies Creek, from Link, from his dad, it was already exhausting. The idea of running away from the place he’d already run away to just felt pointless. Like if he did that he’d never stop running for the rest of his life. And the thought of not being in his child’s life didn’t sit right with him. Even if it was a child he didn’t want with a woman he didn’t love, he still had to do right by them.

 

He arrived at the church before everyone. He sat in the narthex, his knees bouncing up and down nervously. Eventually Jessie and her parents arrived. Rhett was introduced to Jessie’s mother, and her sister, who would act as maid of honour. “You have anyone here, sweetie?” Jessie’s mother asked. 

 

“No ma'am, ain’t got no family,” Rhett replied. 

 

“I’ll stand up with you, son,” Jessie’s father replied, clapping him on the shoulder. Despite the situation, he was considerably calmer than the last time they had met. Rhett figured he wanted to be best man just to be close in case Rhett decided to run.  

 

Rhett stood at the front of the tiny chapel with the pastor. Jessie and her father walked down the aisle arm in arm. There was no organist so they walked down to no music, solemnly. She looked beautiful in a blush pink lace dress, arms holding a giant bouquet of pink roses, but she looked like a girl going to the prom, not a woman getting married. The ceremony was short, almost clinical. They said their vows, exchanged rings and signed the paperwork. It only took a few minutes. 

 

Afterwards the five of them went out for dinner. Rhett chewed his steak quietly as the Lane family did most of the talking. He fiddled with his wedding ring which felt impossibly heavy. He excused himself to go to the washroom. He was overwhelmed with the fact that he was now married to this stranger. That in six months they would have a baby.

 

He splashed some cool water on his face, he tried to slow his breath, but the panic was building inside. He looked at himself in the mirror. Twenty three years old, married, and already a broken man. A familiar tune played over the speaker piped into the bathroom and he began to laugh. It was like some sort of cosmic joke. 

 

_ I don’t care if I never find that pot of gold _

_ Cause i’ve got a darling to hold _

_ And she don’t care if I never make it big in life _

_ Cause I’ve got a darling for a wife _

 

The bathroom door opened and a slightly chubby dark haired bearded man came in. Rhett could feel his eyes on him, checking him out. Rhett met his gaze in the mirror. “Cute,” the guy said and winked at him. Rhett spun around and pinned him to the wall. At first it looked like Rhett was going to punch him but instead his lips crashed into his hard and with urgency. 

 

_ She’s everything a man could want a girl to be _

_ And I just can’t believe that she belongs to me _

_ And I’ll live every day to hold her close at night _

_ I’ve got a darling for a wife _

 

The man grabbed Rhett by the shirt and pulled him into the oversized handicap stall. He dropped to his knees as Rhett undid his jeans and in seconds his mouth was on him. Rhett tried to stifle a moan. He was already so hard and this guy was so good. Rhett’s hands grabbed the back of his head, encouraging him to go deeper. His tongue swirled over Rhett’s aching cock with skill and Rhett whispered strings of curse words as he came. 

 

_ She’s everything a man could want a girl to be _

_ And I just can’t believe that she belongs to me _

_ And I’ll live every day to hold her close at night _

_ I’ve got a darling for a wife _

 

He zipped up his fly and said, “uh, fuck. Thanks, baby,” he smirked at the stranger as he exited the stall. 

 

He slid back into the booth, his arm around his new wife. He wondered if his in-laws could see how swollen his lips were from kissing, or the sweat on his brow. He wondered if they could smell the sex on him. Jessie’s father stood and raised his beer, “to my beautiful daughter, Jessie and her new husband James, may they grow in love and grace throughout the years.” Rhett raised his beer and clicked Jessie’s glass of ginger ale and kissed her sweetly. 

 

A few minutes later the waitress brought a bottle of sparkling wine over to the table, “The man at table three bought this for y’all and said to say congratulations on your nuptials.” Rhett turned slowly to see the man from the bathroom at the table behind them. He raised a glass and winked. Rhett’s stomach twisted with knots of guilt. He was not a good man, and an even worse husband.

 


	6. It's Not Love (But It's Not Bad)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three years later, the last person Rhett ever expected to see comes to watch him perform at The Bluebird

_ Nashville, Tennessee 2003 _

 

The months after their wedding were an adjustment. They moved into a small house Jessie’s father had bought them. It was tiny but cute and Jessie had a way with finding things at flea markets and thrift stores to make their house a home. In the summer their son, Locke, was born. Rhett loved his boy. He took delight in every milestone he reached, every smile and giggle. It almost made it all worth it.

 

His relationship with Jessie was as good as it could be considering. He enjoyed her company. He thought she was funny and sweet. But he didn’t love her. Worse though, she had fallen for him, hard. She would look up at him with her big doe eyes, biting her lip and pulling him close. He’d find excuses. He was too tired, the baby was crying, anything to get out of sleeping with her. Of course he still did from time to time. And it wasn’t awful, he’d close his eyes and think about men he’d slept with in the past. Sometimes, he’d think about that night in Buies Creek. He hadn’t even gotten to third base but the thought of Link’s sweet kisses and his hips grinding on Rhett was enough to get him through making love to his wife.

 

He’d also settled into a life in Nashville. He’d grown to tolerate Jessie’s family, even her overbearing father had warmed to him when he saw what a good father he was to Locke. Jessie had friends and Rhett would chat with their husbands sipping beers on the deck while the girls chatted and giggled inside. Occasionally they’d have dinner parties or have other kids over for playdates. It wasn’t the life he wanted. But it was okay. 

 

A few years later their second son, Sheperd, arrived.  A week after his birth Rhett snuck off to get a vasectomy. He loved his boys but enough was enough. He was already trapped in this life, he didn’t need more children. He tried his best to stay true to her, but every few months he’d find himself at a gay bar, getting a blow job in his car or fucking a guy in an alley. He felt horribly guilty every time, but he also felt like if he didn’t he might lose his goddamn mind and he wouldn’t be much of a husband and father if he was full of anger. So he strayed.

 

He continued to work at the Bluebird. Merle Mondays were as popular as ever. On one monday like any other, Rhett took the stage and began his set. A few songs in the doors to the bluebird opened and the man himself walked through the door. There, in the flesh, was his hero, Merle Haggard. Rhett continued as he watched Merle shake hands with the owner and get a beer from the bar. He knew he was in town recording but never expected him to show up at the Bluebird. Merle stood at the back of the crowd, leaning on a wall, watching Rhett, nodding his head along to the song. When it ended and clapped along with the audience. He walked to the stage and hopped on, “Mind if I join you, son?” he asked. 

 

Rhett stood mouth agape in total shock. “Y-yes sir!” he said, shaking his hand, “ you name the song!” 

 

“Hmm how ‘bout ‘It’s Not Love’?”

 

Rhett nodded to the band and they started up. Merle sang the verses and Rhett just stood there watching him, a stupid grin under his chin strap beard. He snapped out of it enough to join Merle on the chorus.

 

_ No it’s not love, not like ours was _

_ It’s not love, but it keeps love from driving me mad _

_ And I don’t have to wonder who she’s had _

_ No, it’s not love, but it’s not bad _

 

“Whooo boy, you got some pipes,” Merle said, smacking Rhett on the back. “One more, you sing this time and I’ll harmonize, how about… hmmm…. ‘The Way I Am.’ “ Rhett froze. He hadn’t sung that song in eight years. Hadn’t sung it since the night he fled Buies Creek. He hesitantly picked up his guitar and pulled up a tall stool to sit on. He cleared his throat and began to pick the guitar strings.

 

_ Wish I were down, on some blue bayou…  _

 

Tears began to stream down his face as he thought about the last time he had sung this song. How if he hadn’t revealed his secret to Link his life would have turned out so much better. He’d probably still be married to some woman he didn’t love but at least he’d still have Link, still have his family. 

 

_ Wish I enjoyed, what makes my living…  _

 

He knew why he ran that night but why didn’t Link run with him? He knew Link loved him too. He could feel it in the way he kissed him, in the way his eyes looked like they’d seen something holy. It could have been the two of them against the world, the two of them together.

 

_ … I just dream and keep on being the way I am  _

 

He let himself weep as he sang. Performing this song was cathartic and finally unleashed the sadness and anger he had over losing Link. Having Merle sing harmony with him was beautiful, a dream come true, but it sounded wrong to his ear. Only Link could do this song justice. Their voices trained so perfectly together.

 

“Dangin’ that was somethin’,” Merle hollered. “Thanks for letting me sing with ya, James, I’ll let y’all finish your set,” Merle shook Rhett’s hand and waved at the crowd before disappearing backstage.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, give it up for Mr. Haggard himself!” Rhett said into the mic, leading the crowd in another round of applause.

Rhett finished the set floating on a cloud. He couldn’t believe that had just happened. He made his way backstage after the set to see Merle waiting for him. “Sit down son,” he said. Rhett sat in the green room with him and Merle handed him a beer. “So tell me,” he said taking a swig, “who broke your heart?”

Rhett  smiled sadly. “It’s a long story, Sir, ” he said twisting his wedding ring.

“You’re married?”

Rhett nodded.

“You love your wife?”

“No, Sir.”

“Ah, you love somebody else?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“And you can’t be with her?”

Rhett’s gaze hit the floor as he whispered, “...him.”

“Ah,there it is,” Merle said, taking another drink. “I don’t know anything about a man loving another man. But I do know about one thing. I may have been in prison forty some years ago, but worse than any jail is the prison we make for ourselves up here,” he said pointing to his temple.

Rhett nodded as he held back tears again.

“And the most frustrating part is the only one keeping us behind bars is ourselves.”

“You’re so right, Sir.”

“Look, James I have a proposition for you. I talked to your boss and I want to send you and your band on tour. Obviously I’d get a cut, it’s my music, but you are very talented. It won’t be glamorous. Small clubs, hotel stints, you’ll have to drive yourselves from gig to gig and set up your own gear, but you’ll make better money than you do here. What d’ya say?”

“Yes, absolutely!” he probably should discuss this with Jessie, but he didn’t care. This was a way out. 

 

“Alright, I’ll have my manager bring over some paperwork next week. And let me give you one last piece of advice. Take your heart ache, own it, honour it, put it into the music, let it pour out of you, and then leave it there. Go about your life. Let yourself be happy. Save it for the stage.”

 

“Yes Sir, I’ll try.”

 


	7. The Emptiest Arms in the World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rhett tries to balance touring and family life

_ El Paso, Texas 2007 _

Rhett sat in his dingy motel room, sipping a glass of bourbon when there was a knock at the door. He sighed and put his hands on his knees to push himself off the threadbare armchair and walked to the door. He opened the door, the chain still on, and surveyed the man on the other side. He was maybe 5’9”, black buzz cut, with tattooed arms. He was alright looking but the one thing he had going for him were blue eyes. Not the bluest he’d ever seen, no one in the world had bluer eyes than Link, but they were blue enough. 

 

“You Chris?” Rhett asked gruffly, through the crack in the door.

 

“Yeah. James?” the man replied. 

 

“Yeah, hold on,” Rhett said, closing the door to unlatch the chain and let him in. 

 

With the door closed Chris walked up to Rhett and put his hand on his waist, “God, you’re even hotter than your picture. You’re so fucking tall,” he said, sizing Rhett up.

 

“Hmm you ain’t so bad yourself,” Rhett replied, leaning down to kiss him roughly. 

 

Within a few minutes Rhett was back in the dingy armchair, his jeans pooled around his ankles and Chris on his knees jerking Rhett off with one hand and himself with the other. “Shit,” Rhett murmured as the motel phone rang beside him. “Don’t stop,” he said as he picked up the phone.

 

“Hello?” Rhett shivered as the hand around his cock gripped tighter.

 

“Relax darlin’... what’s wrong?” Chris looked up at him, biting his lower lip, his eyes so painfully blue.

 

“mmmm... that’s pretty high, should you take him to the hospital?” Rhett held back moans and the man licked his cock from base to tip. 

 

“Well maybe your sister— okay or your mom?” he just wanted to grab his head and fuck his mouth senseless, not deal with his wife.

 

“Jessie, what do you want me to do I’m 1300 miles away?” Chris took him deep, his throat tightening around his cock. “Oh gosh” he whispered, turning his head away from the receiver.

 

“Yeah well it pays the bills, don’t it!” Rhett didn’t mean to yell, but he was on the road. This was his time.

 

“Shepherd will be fine it’s just a fever. I’ll be home in three days.” Chris’ mouth was so hot and wet, and he was so good at this. These craigslist hookups were hit or miss but he’d found a good one and he wasn’t going to waste him on a distracted blow job.

 

“Yeah...uh… you too, okay. Bye.”

 

He hung up the phone and grabbed Chris’ arm, pulling him up. He kissed him hard, tasting his cock on his lips. “Get on the bed, boy,” Rhett drawled.

 

He knew what role he was meant to play. His posts on craigslist in the M4M section always said the same thing. 

 

_ Extremely tall blonde bearded cowboy top. Slim athletic build. Seeks slim/skinny twinky brunette bottom. 5’8”-6’ tall. Blue eyes a bonus. Touring musician looking for head or maybe more at my hotel room. Condoms a must.  _

 

It was only when he added the word  _ cowboy _ and a photo of him, cowboy hat obscuring his face, that he started getting responses. Guys wanted the Marlboro Man to fuck them and roll onto the next town and he was happy to oblige. Usually he just got a blow job and sent them on their way, but the hot ones, the really hot ones, well... he’d do a whole lot more.

 

Rhett slugged down another bourbon before opening the small almost imperceivable secret pocket on his duffle bag to pull out a small black bag containing condoms and lube. Chris was naked on all fours on the bed, his perfect round ass up in the air waiting for Rhett. Rhett murmured appreciatively as he poured lube on his fingers and began working them into his tight ass. He loved listening to Chris moan as his thick fingers opened him up. First one, then two. He spread them open, pulling whimpers from the man on the bed. When he was satisfied he put on a condom and lubed himself up. He lined his cock up with his hole and with his large hands spreading his cheeks pushed his thick cock into him. 

 

Chris flinched and bucked a little at first. But soon Rhett thrust into him at a good pace. Not too hard or too fast. Chris relaxed into it, his back arched as he thrust back into Rhett. Rhett moaned and licked a stripe up his back to the nape of his neck along his spine. One hand moved to his shoulder, grasping it for leverage, while the other stayed on his hip, guiding him. Rhett picked up the pace, bottoming out into him, pulling strangled moans from both of them. Rhett’s big hand kneaded and smacked his ass as he drove into him harder. 

 

“I want to come in your mouth,” Rhett said, breathlessly.

 

“mmmk,” he replied. 

 

Chris sat at the edge of the bed, jerking off furiously while Rhett removed his condom and tossed it unceremoniously on the floor. He took him in his mouth and Rhett came with his hands wrapped around the back of Chris’ head, fucking into his warm hot throat. Seconds later Chris came all over his belly. 

  
  


Rhett got dressed and sat in the armchair in the corner, pouring himself another bourbon while his hookup gathered his clothes in his arms and went to the bathroom to clean up. A few minutes later he emerged, fully dressed. “Well, that was fun. Thanks man.”

 

“Hmmm yeah,” Rhett said cooly as he flipped through tv channels. 

 

“Ok, bye I guess,” Chris said as he opened the motel room door.

 

“‘Night,” Rhett said, taking a swig of his drink.

 

Chris left and Rhett got up and locked the motel room door. He finished his drink, got into bed and promptly fell asleep to some old movie playing in the background.

 

* * *

 

Three days later he sighed as he crossed the sign  _ Tennessee The Volunteer State Welcomes You!  _ He’d be back home with the wife and kids in a few hours. He treasured his time on the road. When he could fuck whomever he pleased, get drunk if he wanted, and had no one to answer to. His band drove in one van together and he drove in the other with the equipment. He had to show up to the gig, play, and then the rest of the time was his. But now it was back to domestic life for three weeks. His bandmates were squirrely they wanted to get home so bad after nine weeks on the road but he dreaded it. 

 

He meant to go straight home. To have dinner with his wife and boys, but he couldn’t do it. He needed just a few more hours until he had to face them again. He drove around for a while and then went to The Bluebird to see his old coworkers and have a drink or two. When he walked in he was greeted with warm familiar faces and genuine smiles. “Sing us a song, James,” his old boss yelled across the room. His face bloomed into a grin and he went back to the van to grab his guitar.

 

It was late and the bar was pretty empty but he lived to be on stage. He sang one of his favourite Merle songs,  _ The Emptiest Arms in the World  _  it seemed appropriate for his state of mind.

 

_ I only call when I’ve had that one too many _

_ And my lonely room goes spinning in a whirl _

_ And tonight I couldn’t even find my pillow _

_ I’ve got the emptiest arms in the world _

 

_ I no longer wear the gold band on my finger _

_ And from time to time I find myself a girl _

_ But when I realize that she’s not you I’m holding _

_ I’ve got the emptiest arms in the world _

 

_ My empty arms won’t ever hold you close again _

_ And these cheap hotels they’re like a prison cell  _

_ That keeps closing in _

_ Cause you alone can fill this lonely feeling _

_ Of the emptiest arms in the world _

 

_ And you alone can fill this empty feeling _

_ Of the emptiest arms in the world _

  
  


He pulled into the driveway of his little house around three am. He hadn’t meant to get in so late but after a few songs and a few beers the night slipped away. He probably shouldn't have driven home but by the grace of God he had made it without killing himself or someone else. He let himself in quietly and passed out on the sofa. 

 

Morning came much too soon. Two young boys running around the house, jumping on him, “Daddy, daddy!” they yelled with excitement while he moaned and held his hungover head.

 

“Hey,” Jessie said sweetly, handing him a cup of coffee and kissing him on the cheek.

 

“Hey,” he said, draining his cup.

 

“Good tour?” she asked, as she attempted to tidy up the living room, knowing it would be dirty again in half an hour.

 

“Yeah,” he said rubbing his chest and stretching. “It’s nice to be home,” he lied.

 

“Good to have you back,” she said. He wasn’t sure she meant it.

 

Later that afternoon Rhett was on the computer in their office posting his craigslist hookup ads for the cities he would be headed to in a few weeks. He was careful to clear the browser history afterwards, to leave no trace. Jessie walked in as he was finishing up, “you almost done, I need the computer?” she asked.

 

“Sure darlin’ just finishing now,” he slid out of the leatherette office chair and raised the lever on the side, making the chair the right height for his tiny wife.

 

“Thanks, James, “ she said sweetly. 

 

“What are ya doin’ there?” he asked, as she pulled up a white and blue website.

 

“Oh it’s called facebook! My sister got me on it. It’s crazy, you can find anyone! I’ve been messaging with a girl I was friends with in kindergarten!”

 

“Anyone?” Rhett asked, his mouth suddenly dry.

 

“Well as long as they have an account. Wanna see? Who’s someone you want to find?”

 

Rhett pulled up a stool and sat beside her. “Link… Link Neal, N-E-A-L,” he replied softly. 

 

Jessie typed the name into the search bar, “Link… what a weird name,” she said as they waited for the search results. 

 

Up popped the results and the first one showed a black and white picture of a family, “that one,” Rhett said, pointing to it. Jessie clicked it and Link’s profile opened. Rhett studied the picture. The man had longish flippy hair, and glasses. He was still thin but didn’t look boyish anymore. Even though the picture was in black and white Rhett could still tell this man had the bluest eyes he’d ever seen. It was unmistakable Link. It took awhile for him to pull his eyes off of Link but eventually they moved around the picture. To the beautiful blonde woman beside him, to the young girl with curly hair, her arms wrapped around her daddy’s neck, and the toddler who was the spitting image of his childhood best friend. 

 

Rhett fought back tears. He swallowed the lump in his throat and asked, “Can I see more?”

 

“Hmmm… oh here… about,” she said, clicking on the about page.”

 

**Link Neal**

**Works** : engineer at IBM

**Studied at** : NC State, Faculty of Engineering

**Lives in** : Raleigh, NC

**From** : Buies Creek, NC

**Relationship Status** : Married to Christy Neal

 

“If you want I can set up an account for you so you can see more. And you can communicate with him. How do you know him anyway? You’re so mysterious about your past.”

 

“No, no I don’t want to see more. I don’t want an account.” Rhett said getting up and leaving the room. 

 

He felt like he had the wind knocked out of him. So Link was married. He looked happy in the photo. Looked like he was in love with this woman. Maybe Rhett had been torturing himself for over a decade over something he imagined. Maybe he never did have a chance with Link. Maybe if Sue hadn’t walked in Link would have broken their kiss, pushed Rhett off and said, “I’m sorry Rhett, I don’t love you like you love me,” and that would have been the end of it. But something still wasn't sitting right in the pit of his stomach. 

 

That night, when Jessie was asleep, Rhett snuck down to the office and pulled Link’s profile up on facebook. He printed his facebook page and cut the picture of him out of the paper, putting it safely in his wallet.

 


	8. Fool's Castle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jessie confronts Rhett about his activities on tour

The longer Rhett was in Nashville with his wife and children, the more stir crazy he got. He cared about his kids but he’d been on tour for the better part of the past four years and he found it hard to connect with them. They barely knew him and he didn’t put in much effort to call or write when he was on the road. His time at home just reminded him what a terrible father he’d become. He was about to jump out of his skin the day before he was set to leave. He just wanted to get back on the road, to be unburdened. 

 

He came home from band practice and Jessie was pulling a roast out of the oven. The table was set with candles and the house was oddly quiet. “I sent the boys to my sisters,” she said, kissing him on the cheek, “I thought we could have some time together before you leave again.”

 

Rhett sighed. He knew what that meant. 

 

Jessie put dinner on the table and poured them both a generous glass of red wine. He poured himself a whisky too. Dinner was quiet. Rhett always had a healthy appetite and Jessie was a good cook. One of the only things he missed when he was on the road was her home cooking.

 

Jessie killed a bottle of wine and Rhett raised an eyebrow as he watched her open a second one. She normally wasn’t a big drinker. She sighed as she took a swig and cleared the dishes from the table. “Do you love me?” she asked quietly.

 

“More than the day I married you,” he replied. It wasn’t a lie. She was virtually a stranger the day they got married. He still didn’t love her though.

 

“You must have girls all over you when you’re on the road.”

 

“I swear, you’re my only girl,” he replied, reaching out to hold her hand.

 

“Right...” she replied, pulling her hand away. She glugged down her glass of wine and poured some more. “So tell me, when I was doing your laundry, why did I find this?” she went over to the buffet and pulled out the small black bag he kept hidden in his duffle bag with condoms and lube in it and threw it on the table in front of him smuggly. “You’d better stop screwing around or you might just lose me and the boys.”

 

Rhett puffed air out of his nose with indignation. “Darlin’, don’t threaten to take away something I never wanted in the first place.”

 

He got up to leave but her tiny hand wrapped around his wrist. “You think I want this?” she asked, tears welling up in her eyes. “You think I want to be married to a man who doesn’t love me back? Who won’t even touch me? Who won’t even try? I’m so tired, James, I try and try. I’ve spent seven years trying to make this work. And it’s one sided. You don’t try at all. You act like this is the last place you want to be and I’m the last person you want to be with.” She buried her face in his chest, soaking his shirt with her tears.

 

Rhett wrapped his arms around her and held her. “Jess,” he said softly. “I— I’m gay,” he whispered in her ear.

 

“What?” she said, pulling back and meeting his gaze.

 

He stroked his beard and again quietly said, “I’m gay. I wasn’t lying when I said you’re my only girl. You are literally the only girl I’ve ever been with. The night I knocked you up I was sad, and lonely and you were there.”

 

“So that’s how it is then… I’ve just been living a lie this entire time?”

 

“No no no, Jessie I’ve the one who’s been living a lie. I don’t deserve your understanding or your forgiveness. I know I’m a poor excuse for a husband and a father.”

 

“So why are we doing this?” she asked, wiping the black trails of mascara off her tear stained cheeks.

 

“Because your father basically put a gun to my head.”

 

“I’ll tell him the divorce was my idea. I’ll… I’ll tell him I had an affair. He will leave you alone.”

 

“Really?” Rhett asked, almost too excitedly. “You sure?”

 

“I just want to move on, James.”

 

“Yeah,” he said quietly. “Can you pack up my stuff while I’m away? I’ll come get it after this leg of the tour. It’ll probably only be a few boxes.

 

“Yeah… wow, this is really it, huh… I’m relieved I guess.” she said as she dried her face and sniffled. 

 

“Yeah… me too.”

 

Rhett slept in the guestroom and left early the next morning. When he returned a few weeks later Jessie had packed up his stuff and left it in the foyer. She and the boys were at her parents when Rhett arrived. He noticed the manila file folder on top of one of the boxes, Jessie’s pretty feminine writing on the file.

 

_ I had what most girls only dream of _

_ You gave me diamonds, silk, and satin _

_ You gave me everything but love _

_ And with your giving you gave me nothing _

_ I wanted only to be by your side _

_ Yes they call it a fool’s castle _

_ And you’re the fool that lives inside _

 

Rhett opened the file to find divorce papers giving Jessie the house and assets and a custody agreement, granting Jessie full custody of the children. Rhett didn’t care. She could have it all, as long as it meant he was free. He signed the papers and left them on the hall table along with his wedding band and house key. He loaded his boxes into the van and drove away without looking back.

 

The first few months after the divorce he tried to send money to help support the boys but the cheques went uncashed so he stopped. He’d moved on, and was happier for it. He spent almost three hundred days a year on the road. He didn’t even bother to get a new house, just a P.O. box in Nashville for bills to go to and a storage locker for a few possessions. The few days he wasn’t on tour he’d hold up in some crappy hotel or on the couch of one of his band mates. It suited him fine. 

* * *

 

Two years later he got word through his manager that Jessie needed to see him the next time he was in town. He called her and they arranged to meet at a coffee shop one afternoon.

 

He arrived early and ordered an Earl Grey tea. He sat at a table for two in the back corner, watching patrons come and go. There were happy couples drinking fancy coffee drinks, students on laptops nursing a bold drip while they tuned out the world with noise canceling headphones and worked on their assignments.

 

Jessie walked in on the arm of a tall dark haired man. He wore a plaid shirt and jeans. He was balding a little but he was handsome. Jessie looked beautiful in a white lace blouse, jeans, and tall brown leather boots, her hair hung in long loose curls on her shoulders. The pair walked in, Jessie gave him a small wave and motioned that they were going to get a drink. Rhett slowly rose and moved to a table for four.

 

Eventually they made their way to his table. Rhett stood and gave her a hug and an awkward kiss on the cheek, “Hey darlin’,” he drawled. 

 

“Hey James. I want you to meet Hank.”

 

Rhett shook the man’s hand.

 

Everyone settled into their seats and Jessie looked at Hank who gave her an encouraging nod. “James. I… we need to ask you something.”

 

“I suppose I owe you one,” Rhett said, a small grin under his bushy beard.

 

“Hank and I are getting married, and he wants to adopt the boys,” Jessie said, twisting the diamond ring on her left hand.

 

“Oh…” Rhett said quietly. He knew he was a shitty father. His former father in law had said better a dead father than an absent one but he figured better an absent father than a fraud. “Okay, what do I have to do?”

 

Jessie squeezed Hank’s hand and reached into her purse for some paperwork. “Just initial here… and here… and sign and date...great, that’s it.”

 

“Okay, can I go?”

 

“Um, yup.” Jessie replied.

 

“Alright,” Rhett said standing and smoothing out his beard, “Congratulations,” he said as he left the coffee shop and walked out into the streets of Nashville. He felt like a failure. But he knew he was in no position to love anyone, let alone his children. Hank seemed like a fine man, more capable of loving Jessie and his children than he ever could.

  
  



	9. For All I Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Rhett gets some bad news he finally reaches out, thanks to some liquid courage

_ April 6th 2016 Denver, Colorado  _

 

Rhett woke up in his hotel room to his cell phone going off like crazy. This was rare as he basically just used it for Grindr hookups and to keep in touch with his manager and bandmates. It took a few minutes to shake off the hangover and piece together the emails and messages he’d received.

 

His hero, the man responsible for his life’s work, Merle, was dead.

 

He knew it was coming. Merle had been sick. He had spent some time with him a few months ago when they both happened to be in Nashville and the man did not look long for this world. But to hear the news that morning felt like a punch in the gut. 

 

He had rented a shitty motel room for the three weeks the band was on break. Normally he’d try to postpone his drinking until the afternoon, but this morning he got up, turned on his laptop, queued up Merle playlist on itunes, and cracked open the half bottle of bourbon left over from the previous night.

 

These Merle songs were the soundtrack of his life.  Merle sang about love and loss. About regret and remorse. A few hours and more than a few drinks later some twangy guitar played on the computer and Merle’s voice sang.

 

_ For all I know you never cared about me _

_ And chances are I never crossed your mind _

_ Maybe you won’t understand me calling _

_ But darling it’s been such a long long time _

 

He missed Link terribly. His love of Merle was so tied to Link and with his death the last tie he had to Link was gone. He wished he was still a part of his life, even in some small way. He wished he had never run away twenty years earlier.

 

_ For all I know there may be someone with you now _

_ But maybe he won’t mind a friendly call _

_ You’ve already made it clear that you stopped loving me _

_ And for all I know you never cared at all _

 

He had promised himself he’d never look again. Seeing Link a married family man had gutted him last time. He swore he’d let it lie. But he needed this right now. He got out of bed and sat at his laptop on the small motel desk. His hands shook as he opened the browser and went to Facebook. 

 

_ I can’t help it if I sound like I’ve been crying _

_ ‘Cause darling I’ve been crying all night long _

_ I just call to let you know just how much I need you _

_ And for all I know you may be there alone _

 

He typed Link Neal into the search page. Link’s profile came up. It had been almost ten years since he had last looked at Link’s profile. His photo was of him looking up at someone who was cropped out of  the photo with the same goofy grin he had as a child on his face. His hair was short on the sides and longer on top, swooped to one side. His glasses were two toned black and brown and he wore a baby blue button up patterned shirt that perfectly complimented his eyes. He took Rhett’s breath away.

 

_ Surely you must know I’d give the world to see you now _

_ And could be you’d like to have me one more time _

_ You’ve already made it clear that you stopped loving me  _

_ But for all I know I may have lost my mind _

_ And for all I know I may have lost my mind _

 

He scrolled to the about section and clicked on it.

 

Link Neal

Works: engineer at BM&N Engineering

Studied at: NC State, Faculty of Engineering

Lives in: Raleigh, NC

From: Buies Creek, NC

Relationship Status: In a Relationship

 

Rhett opened google and typed in BM&N engineering Raleigh. 

 

He quickly found the business and their contact info and his fingers dialed the number before his brain realized what he was doing. He was surprised when a receptionist brightly answered the phone.

 

“BM&N, how may I direct your call?”

 

“Link,” Rhett said gruffly.

 

“Excuse me, sir?” she replied.

 

Rhett cleared his throat and took every ounce of concentration to speak clearly. “Can you put me through to Link… Link Neal?” he asked.

 

“Oh, sure thing!” she replied.

 

The phone beeped a few times and then it began to ring. Rhett wiped his sweaty palms on his shaking knees. Eventually the phone clicked.

 

“Hi, you’ve reached the voicemail of Link Neal. I’m out of the office today but please leave a message and I’ll return your call when I return tomorrow. Thanks!”

 

Rhett inhaled sharply at the sounds of Link’s voice. His accent had softened, and his voice had deepened but it was unmistakibly Link.

 

“H—hi Link,” Rhett said shakily. “Merle’s gone. I don’t know what to do. I miss him. And I miss you. God I miss you. I think about you every single day. I wish I hadn’t run that day. But you’re married now, and you look happy in your facebook picture.” Rhett got up and paced around the room, he was talking faster than he could think, the words poured out of him. 

 

“So maybe I’ve just been driving myself crazy all these years thinking you could love me. I mean, if you loved me you would have come with me, right? You would have trusted me and run away too. We could have had a good life together. We would have made it work. We wouldn’t have had much money but we could have slept in the Dynasty. Maybe made it somewhere warm. We could have camped on the beach and worked construction or somethin’. I don’t know. I would have taken care of you. I would have done right by you.” His head was swimming with alcohol but he was also buzzing with excitement that he finally found the courage to reach out.

 

“But you’re happy. You have a wife and kids. Maybe I’m a fool who's been hangin’ onto nothin’ for the last twenty years. Maybe we never had a chance and you never loved me. Maybe kissing me was just a mistake. I don’t know. I drive myself crazy thinking about it. The only way I can stop thinking about you it to drink myself into oblivion. I miss you. I want to—” Rhett was interrupted by a robotic woman’s voice.

 

“I’m sorry, your message is too long. To re-record your message please press the star button. Otherwise hang up and try your call again.”

 

Rhett sat dumbfounded on the line when a few seconds later the robotic voice said, “goodbye.” The phone clicked and all that was left was a dial tone.

 

Rhett frowned at his phone, got dressed, and headed down the street to the liquor store for more provision.

 

A few hours later he was ridiculously drunk. Despite a belly full of alcohol and no food he managed to find a guy on Grindr, stumble into the shower, and make himself somewhat presentable. He pulled clothes out of his duffle bag, smelling them, until he found a blue v-neck that was clean- well, clean enough.

 

He was dozing on top of the bedspread when he woke up to a knock at the door and remembered he’d arranged for a date. He stumbled to the door swinging it open, holding himself up on the frame. 

 

“Hey,” he slurred.

 

“Uh, you James?” a brunette in his early twenties asked.

 

“Yea, you comin’ in or what?” Rhett asked, swaying back and forth.

 

“Nah, man. I’m gonna pass. You said you were thirty. You look like you’re fifty. And you’re so drunk you probably have whisky dick anyway. Night.” he said, frustrated. He turned and jogged back to his car.

 

Rhett slammed the door almost off his hinges. So what if he used an older picture? So what if he said he was thirty instead of thirty-eight? “Fuck him, he doesn’t know what he’s missing,” Rhett mumbled into the pillow as he passed out.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's a little easter egg in this chapter referencing one of my other fics. bonus points if you caught it ;)
> 
> i'm thinking of writing Link's side of the story, what he had been up to the last 20 years. if that's something you'd like to read let me know.


	10. Life's Just Not The Way It Used To Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a familiar looking couple shows up at Rhett's Raleigh gig

_ Raleigh, North Carolina 2017 _

 

Rhett and his band had been touring almost constantly for fifteen years. None of his original members remained, most of them only lasted a year or so before they’d burn out and be replaced. Plus the money wasn’t great. It was enough to get by but wasn’t worth the sacrifice. Rhett had no family, no friends, so he lost nothing by being on the road. Those precious hours on stage were the only thing he had left to live for. 

 

Tonight they were playing at the City Limits Saloon in Raleigh. A small venue but it was pretty cool. It reminded Rhett of his days at the Bluebird all those years ago. A young and lively atmosphere that was in stark contrast to the usual hotel bars they would play.

 

It was a friday night and the bar was packed with young people dancing and drinking. The band was tight and Rhett was in good form. They were half way through  _ Footlights _ when the door to the bar swung open and two men entered.

 

_ I live the kinda life most men only dream of _

_ And I make my livin’ writing songs and singin’  them _

_ But i’m fortysome years old and I ain’t got no place to go when it’s over _

_ So I hide my age and take the state _

_ And  try to kick the footlights out again _

 

Rhett’s eyes tracked the two men as they went to the bar. He could only see the backs of their heads and some profile yet he couldn’t stop staring. One of them was very tall, well over six foot, he had dirty blonde hair in a bun on the top of his head, a bushy beard, and wore a slim cut blue plaid button up shirt, his sleeves rolled up exposing his tattooed forearms. The other man was slim, six foot with salt and pepper hair and a denim jacket. The pair got their drinks and snaked through the crowd to see the band. There was something familiar about the pair, although Rhett couldn’t see their faces he was sure he knew them. Rhett watched as the tall man wrapped his arm around the shorter man’s waist and kissed him sweetly on the cheek. The man giggled as his partner’s beard tickled his cheek and he turned his face. Rhett felt like he’d been punched in the gut. 

 

It was Link. 

 

Rhett thought he was going to be sick. If Link was straight and married to a woman, fine. That was something Rhett could never be for him. But to walk in on the arm of a tall bearded blonde man was like a stab in the heart. 

 

Rhett just stood there staring at the audience when finally his bassist said, “Psst, James… next song.” 

 

Rhett shook it off and said, “uh take five guys, I’m gonna do this one alone.” the band all looked at each other and left the stage.

 

“I never do this. I never talk to the audience. I just come up here and sing and leave. But I have something to say,” Rhett said pulling up a tall stool. He sat down and locked eyes with Link. 

 

“I’ve spent twenty years torturing myself loving you. I almost had myself convinced that it never would have worked. That I just couldn’t be who you needed me to. That you weren't attracted to me, or I was the wrong type. But then you walk in on his arm, and I realize… well this song says it all,  life’s just not the way it used to be.”

 

Link’s eyes were wide and brimming with tears as he  pulled away from his boyfriend, trying to rush the stage, but his partner’s firm grip on his arm held him in place.

 

Rhett put on his guitar and began to sing.

 

_ Somehow things just never came together _

_ Fate had different plans for you and me _

_ Love used to be the most important thing in life _

_ But life’s just not the way it used to be _

 

Link’s boyfriend pulled him to the back of the bar. Rhett couldn’t hear them but he could tell they were arguing. Link stomped out of the bar slamming the door, his boyfriend exiting behind him.

 

_ If  lovin’ someone all the way _

_ Is gone for good with yesterday _

_ Then what am I? _

_ I’m just a fool who pays no mind _

_ I’m out of step, out of time _

_ And I wanna die _

 

‘I’m going to kill myself,’ Rhett thought as he sang. The last shred of hope for being with Link was gone. He was in love with someone else. Someone who looked like Rhett but wasn’t broken. Someone who wasn’t a pitiful excuse for a man like he was. Maybe he should have let his father shoot him in the head twenty years ago. Save himself the misery, spare Jessie a shitty husband and his kids a neglectful father.

 

_ I love you so, but I don’t know the answers _

_ And I know so well that you’re in love with me _

_ Love used to be the most important thing in life _

_ But life’s just not the way it used to be _

_ No, life’s just not the way it used to be _

 

As the song finished he noticed Link come back into the bar. He looked disheveled and overwhelmed and maybe like he’d been crying. He got as close to the front of the stage as he could and watched Rhett finish his set with tears streaming down his cheeks.

 

Rhett finished and hung out in the greenroom for a while. He was angry. He didn’t want to go make nice, exchange pleasantries. What was he supposed to say after twenty years? He considered slinking out the stage door and going to his hotel but if he wanted to get paid he had to go to the bar. 

 

He went to the bar and thankfully Link was nowhere to be seen. “Hey Susie, you got my cheque?” he asked the bartender. 

 

“Yeah hold on darlin’ it’s in the safe, want a drink while you wait?” the bubbly, blonde bartender asked him.

 

“Jim beam, straight up.” 

 

She poured his drink and went to get the check.

 

Rhett felt a hand on his shoulder. “Rhett?” a shaky voice asked.

 

“Hey Link,” he said, turning around. Up close Link was even more beautiful. His salt and pepper hair shone in the lights of the bar, his clear plastic glasses framing his blue eyes. “Last I heard you were married, now you come in here lookin’ like somebody’s wife,” Rhett said, cool and carelessly, taking a swig of his drink.

 

“You’re here. I can’t believe you’re here,” Link said with disbelief, still grasping onto Rhett for dear life. Like he might disappear at any second.

 

“In the flesh,” Rhett said. “You got old.” he said looking Link up and down.

 

“You finally figured out how to grow facial hair,” Link teased back. “Rhett, can we go somewhere? There’s so much we need to catch up on.”

 

“I don’t think so, Link.”

 

“What?” Link looked hurt. “Why?”

 

“Go back to your boyfriend, or whatever. Forget I exist.” he took another sip of his drink.

 

“He’s not my boyfriend anymore, I just broke up with him, in the parking lot ten minutes ago. Please Rhett. I’ve spent the last twenty years missing you.”

 

Link’s word made Rhett’s heart swell with joy but he knew he’d just drag Link down. He wasn’t fit to love anyone anymore.

 

The bartender handed Rhett his cheque which he folded and put in his jeans pocket. “Thanks Suzie-q,” he said with a wink as he got up.

 

“Goodbye Link,” he said as he left.

  
  
  
  
  



	11. Take Me Back and Try Me One More Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Link tracks Rhett down and begs Rhett to give them a chance

Rhett mindlessly flipped through the channels in his motel room. Even if he settled on a channel, he wouldn’t have paid attention to the show anyway. He was filled with doubt and sadness. Twenty years of pining for Link and what did he do when they were finally reunited? Run away like a god damned coward. But if Link had really missed him he would have tried to find him. Not dated his doppelganger.

 

He was shaken out his thoughts by a knock on his door. He walked over and said, “Go away Link,” to the warped image of Link in the peephole.

 

“Please hear me out Rhett. Please, just talk to me.”

 

“It’s too late for us, Link.”

 

“Rhett please,” he said through the thin door. “I regretted not running away with you the minute you left. I tried so hard to find you but my mom watched my every move until graduation, and by the time college started there was nothing I could do. But I never stopped trying I swear.” Link’s voice was shaky and Rhett could tell he was crying.

 

“My wife left me because I spent ten grand on a private detective to try and find you. He told me a week after you left Buies Creek a body of john doe was found in the Cape Fear River. He was about twenty years old and six foot six. I had a mental breakdown when I found out you were dead. Seriously, I lost my job, my kids were afraid to be around me. I had to check myself into the psych ward I was so broken when I thought I’d lost you for good. The doctors there helped me to finally come out as a bisexual man and deal with all the bullshit we grew up with surrounding that.”

 

Rhett reached out and gently pressed his fingers to the door, wishing he could reach out for Link.

 

“And then I met Blake. And he seemed like the closest thing I’d ever come to being with you. I was happy. Tonight we went to our favourite bar to celebrate our fifth anniversary and who is on stage but you. I felt like I saw a goddamned ghost,Rhett. I was going to propose to him tonight, instead I dumped him in the parking lot.”

 

“Go home. Makeup with Blake. He’ll take you back. He’d be a fool not to. But I’m no good, Link. I’m not the stupid kid you knew twenty years ago. I’m not capable of loving you anymore.”

 

Rhett was met with silence. A few seconds later he looked in the peephole again and Link was gone.

 

He poured himself a drink, and then another. He wished he had a gun to put himself out of his misery. He looked around to see if there was anything to hang himself with but he figured the ceilings were too low and he was too tall. He’d been killing himself with the bottle for the last fifteen years or so, why stop now? He thought as he chugged back his bourbon.

 

He heard a noise outside, a whistle? No… a harmonica? He went to the window and pulled back the curtain to see Link playing the harmonica. He his eyes lit up when he saw Rhett in the window. Then Link began to sing.  

 

_Yes I know I’ve been untrue_

_And I should have been good to you_

_But please have mercy on this heart of mine_

_Take me back and try me one more time_

 

Link’s voice was even better that it had been in highschool. It was deep and nuanced with just the right amount of twang to carry a Merle ballad. 

 

_If my darling you could see_

_Just what your leavings done to me_

_You know that love is still the tie that binds_

_Take me back and try me one more time_

 

Tears streamed down Link’s face as he sang and Rhett swallowed the peachpit of feelings lodged in his throat.

 

_In my dreams I see your face_

_It seems there’s someone in my place_

_But does he know that you were once mine?_

_Take me back and try me one more time_

 

Rhett sang along, their voices still perfectly harmonizing, Like they knew exactly where the other was about to go. 

 

_If you just forgive me now_

_I’ll make it up to you somehow_

_I promise ne’er again be unkind_

_Take me back and try me one more time_

 

Rhett opened the door and Link flung himself into his arms, kissing him aggressively, like he needed to make up for twenty years of missed kisses. 

 

Rhett pried Link off of him long enough to close the door before pulling Link close again. He wrapped his long arms around Link’s tiny waist, “Gosh, you’re beautiful,” he said, drinking in Link’s middle aged face. He ran his fingers through Link’s silver hair, resting a large hand on the back of his neck, pulling him closer again.

 

Somehow the pair stumbled over to the bed. Link shrugged off his denim jacket and Rhett sat at the head of bed. Link straddled him, kissing his lips and neck. Rhett growled slightly as he tried to unbutton Link’s floral print shirt and pull off his own shirt. Link kisses Rhett’s neck and chest. Rhett’s fingers slowly stroked Link’s clavicle. His collarbones we’re still incredibly sharp but Rhett marveled at the tufts of fluffy black chest hair on a chest he’d only ever known to be smooth.

 

His hands slid down Link’s tiny waist as Link’s hips moved against Rhett’s groin. He moaned loudly. It was like they were seventeen again, making out on Sue’s couch that night in Buies Creek. Rhett unbuttoned Link’s jeans and tried to pull them off. “Why are your jeans so tight, dammit,” he said, struggling with Link’s skinny jeans. 

 

“It’s called fashion, Rhett,” Link said with a giggle and a sarcastic eye roll as he got up to pull the impossibly tight grey jeans off. Rhett stripped down to his boxers too although they were plain black while Link had pink and green patterned boxer briefs. 

 

“C'mere fancy pants,” Rhett said, pulling Link back on him. Rhett’s hands trailed down Link’s thighs gently palming his erection through his boxers. “This ok?” he whispered in Link’s ear as he kissed him again. Link nodded and pushed into Rhett’s hand for more. “Fuck me, Rhett,” he groaned. Rhett shivered in response to Link’s noises.

 

Rhett got his lube and condoms out his bag while Link ditched his colourful underwear. Rhett had seen him naked plenty of times as kids and a few times as teenagers, but never like this. Never fully hard, uninhibited and on display. “Fuck,” he whimpered as he surveyed Link in all his glory. Rhett ditched his underwear too and Link grinned up at him, “Dang, Rhett,” he said as he checked out what Rhett was working with. 

 

“Roll over,” Rhett said as he playfully slapped Link on the thigh. Link took off his glasses and carefully folded them on the nightstand before rolling onto his belly. 

 

Rhett started at his neck and pressed firm kisses down Link’s spine until he got to the tuft of hair on his lower back. He poured some lube on his index finger and gently circled Link’s ass. He added more lube and went slow, not wanting to hurt him. He worked one finger into him, then another. He’d imagined the sounds Link might make in this situation but to actually hear him moan and feel him tighten around Rhett’s fingers had Rhett dripping with precome.

 

He rolled on a condom and applied some more lube. Link was up on all fours, his cute little ass in the air. “What’s wrong?” Link asked when Rhett hesitated.

 

“Can… I wanna see your face,” Rhett said. He’d only ever had sex with men from behind, happy to see the back of their heads rather than their face, but this was different. 

 

Link rolled onto his back, arranging the pillows behind his head, and pulled his spread knees up to his chest. Rhett kissed him again and then slowly pushed into him. Link was so warm and tight, “Fuck you feel amazing,” Rhett said as he bottomed out into Link. He started slowly but soon increased the pace. Link couldn’t keep his eyes off Rhett, who held onto the headboard with one hand for leverage. His other hand’s fingers were twined with Link’s, holding on for dear life.

 

Link shifted his hips slightly and began to groan with each thrust as Rhett hit his prostate. “Oh Rhett,” he moaned. Rhett marveled in how Link’s full pink lips fell open and his back arched, pushing Rhett deeper into him.

 

Rhett squeezed Link’s hand as he came. He’d been with a lot of men, but it was never like this. Never this good. It took a few seconds for his head to stop spinning, he lent down and kissed Link’s mouth, licking and kissing his way down his belly to his cock. Rhett had always been a selfish lover, because he never cared about the people he fucked, but this time was different. He took Link’s cock into his mouth. Link was big and his mouth was small so he made up the difference with a big hand wrapped around Link’s shaft, stroking him while his mouth licked and sucked the head. Link’s lithe little body twitched and shook as he came in Rhett’s mouth.

 

Rhett crawled to the head of the bed and lay down, patting his chest for Link to rest his head on and wrapping an arm around him.

 

“I… I can’t believe I found you,” Link said, crying into Rhett’s chest.

 

Rhett blinked back the tears as he held Link tight and kissed his forehead.

 

 

 


	12. Driftwood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rhett and Link cuddle and catch up but when Rhett sees what a good man Link is, he's filled with doubt and regret

The pair lay cuddling in the crappy motel room. “How did you find out where my hotel was?” Rhett asked.

 

“I paid one of your bandmates $100,” Link said with a grin. “Although it took a while for me to figure out they had no idea who Rhett was,  _ James Mack _ .” he said, poking Rhett in the side.

 

“Hmmm yeah. Don’t feel bad, even my kids and ex-wife don’t know my real name.”

 

Link raised his head off Rhett’s chest and looked at him with wide eyes, “You got married? To a woman?”

 

Rhett chuckled, “The one time I slept with a woman she happened to be under age and I happened to knock her up.”

 

“Oh, shoot,” Link replied.

 

“Yeah, she’s remarried now and the boys have a good dad. They don’t need me. Some washed up, drunk, gay country singer for a father.”

 

Link reached over to the nightstand for his phone. “Here are mine,” he said pulling up pictures of his kids. “Lily, Charles Lincoln Neal the fourth, he goes by Lincoln, and Lando.”

 

‘You named your kid Lando? Like Star Wars Lando?”

 

“Yeah,” Link giggled.

 

“Dork,” Rhett said.

 

Link flipped through hundred of photographs of  him and his kids. At the zoo, at the fair, various birthday parties, Blake watching a movie with them in their immaculately designed living room, the kids opening gifts under the christmas tree. Rhett felt a pit of regret in his stomach.

 

“What does Miss Sue think about you bein’ a ho-mo-sexual?” he asked with a mocking country twang. 

 

“My mamma passed seven years ago so she never knew. Anyway, I’m bisexual Rhett. I loved my wife, Christy, I guess I just loved you more. I was obsessed with finding you. Once I got the internet I spent every moment of spare time trying to find you.”

 

“And then you thought I was dead?”

 

“Yeah… I mean a part of me never really believed it, but it really messed me up, man. I thought you must have killed yourself, thrown yourself into the Cape Fear River. I felt like it was my fault. When I found out about six years ago I went to your parents house and confronted them. Told your dad your blood was on his hands, then I punched him in the face. I was so angry. It was after that I checked myself into the mental hospital.”

 

“Hohoho,” Rhett laughed. “Good for you, man!”

 

“I spent a lot of time being angry at your, Rhett. The day you left you had known for months, maybe longer, that you loved me. I had only known for maybe an hour. I wish I had gone with you. I do. But do you understand why I didn't?”

 

“I do now. I was angry at your for quite some time too but I guess I was really angry with myself. Or angry at the situation. I tried to find you when my ex-wife told me about Facebook, but I saw you were married with children and I figured there was no chance for us. I’m sorry I was such an ass today when I saw you with Blake. He just looks so much like me.”

 

“Why do you think I dated him?”

 

Rhett chuckled and kissed him again.

 

“So how is this gonna work?” Link asked. “Where’s your base? Nashville?”

 

“I don’t really have a base, I tour like three hundred days a year. I don’t even have a house. Just a duffle bag of clothes, my guitar and a laptop. When i’m off I just crash somewhere, usually a hotel or something.”

 

“Oh…” Link replied. “We’ll that makes things a bit more difficult. But I can work around it. I can work remotely, and go into various BM&N  offices around the country depending on where you’re touring. I can skype with the kids and go back to Raleigh to see them. Maybe one week a month there, the rest with you. I suppose I’m homeless too now that Blake and I split up, it was his place. Oh well, you and I can buy a place together. Four bedrooms, so the kids can each have a room. We could get a bigger place so your boys could come visit?”

 

“No. I signed over my rights to their stepdad…” Rhett said quietly.

 

“Oh…” Link replied. “Ok four bedrooms it is then. Maybe five so you can have a music room office thing. I dont know, I’m sorry im just excited.”

 

“Let’s just get some sleep, it’s been a long night. It’s three am.”

 

“Oh crap, you’re right,” Link said as he reached over to turn out the light.

 

“Rhett?” Link whispered in the darkness like he had done during so many of their childhood sleepovers.

 

“Yeah, Link?” 

 

“I love you.”

 

“I love you too, Link” Rhett replied, grateful for the darkness concealing the tears streaming down his face. He knew what he had to do.

 

When Link woke up in the morning there was no sign of Rhett. His clothes were gone. Link found a piece of paper on the hotel desk scrawled with Rhett’s handwriting.

 

_ Dear Link, _

_ You are a good man. You are a good father and partner. You have so much love in your heart to give. I am a sad broken middle aged man. I use people. I use men to feel something close to love, I use Merle to feel something close to talent, I am selfish and vile. I could never make you happy. I would just pull you away from your  children and soon you’d be bitter and broken like me. Please don’t come and find me. Go back to your life. Beg forgiveness from Blake and marry him. Be happy and live your life. I have always loved you, and I always will. But in the words of the man himself: _

_ I’m just driftwood _

_ Drifting with the winds that blow across the sky _

_ I can’t always be here with you, babe _

_ I’m just driftwood drifting by _

 

_ Our lives came together _

_ Somehow we came to mingle for awhile _

_ Like two colours of the rainbow _

_ We blended well together for awhile _

 

_ But I won’t ever anchor down  _

_ The Lord above has numbered all my days _

_ I’m just driftwood _

_ And I think it’s time I drifted on aways _

 

_ I do love you, and that’s why I’m leaving again. To spare you. Because I know how awful I truly am.  _

_ Always, _

 

_ Rhett _

 

Link had to read the letter four times until it sunk in that Rhett was really gone. That he'd really run away again.

 


	13. Today I Started Loving You Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rhett tries to move on with life after leaving Link at the motel

_Houston Texas, 2017_

 

The tour continued on, another day, another bar. It had been a month since Rhett seen Link; he was full of regret. He convinced himself he had done the right thing, that Link deserved better, but he still felt sorry for himself. The band was doing a soundcheck at the Redneck Country Club, a popular country music venue and roadhouse. Rhett had recently added a new song to the line up that needed to be rehearsed. The band started up in a swinging two-four time and Rhett began to sing.

 

_Today I started lovin’ you again_

_And I’m right back where I’ve really always been_

_I got over you just long enough_

_To let my heartache mend_

_Then today, I started loving you again_

 

The dark room was flooded with light as the door to the bar opened. “We’re closed,” the bartender hollered at the door as he hefted an empty keg on his shoulder.

 

“It’s cool. I’m with the band.” Link said as he walked in, dropping a duffle bag on the bar. He winked at the bartender and made his way to the front of the stage,where he stood, drinking Rhett in.

 

_What a fool I was to think I could get by_

_With only these few million tears I cried_

_I should have known the worst was yet to come_

_And that cryin’ time for me had just begun_

 

Rhett watched Link’s hips sway along to the music. Finally his face broke into a grin and he reached out an arm to pull Link onto the stage. Link hopped up and harmonized with Rhett. They sang together perfectly, like they always had, but unlike carefree children, their voices carried the weight of loss and heartache, making it only more beautiful.

 

_‘Cause today I started lovin’ you again_

_I’m right back where I’ve really always been_

_I got over you, just long enough_

_To let my heartache mend_

_Then today I started lovin’ you again_

 

The song finished and Rhett pulled Link to the side of the stage, away from the microphone.

 

“I told you not to find me,” Rhett said, snaking an arm around Link’s waist.

 

“Like you could stop me,” Link replied, kissing him as the band cheered them on.

 

“I’m no good for you,” Rhett said.

 

“I’m not asking you to be, and I’m not promising to fix you,” Link replied, his arms still wrapped around Rhett’s waist.

 

“What are you promising?” Rhett asked, as he chewed on his bottom lip.

 

“Look, Rhett,” Link said as he pulled his arms back and grasped Rhett’s hands. “Things got all messed up the day you ran away. It’s like we got off track.” His voice was shaky, his eyes glassy. “Who knows what would have happened if I’d gone with you, or you’d stayed, or we’d never kissed in the first place. Who knows. Maybe we’d be married now with a bunch of kids,maybe we’d start our own engineering firm, hell, maybe we’d maybe we’d be living our childhood dream and be a comedic duo out in hollywood. The only thing I know is in every scenario we’re together.”

 

“It’s a lot, Link,” Rhett said, overwhelmed.

 

“Remember how in that song Merle says, ‘the way I am don’t fit my shadow?’ “

“Yeah?”

 

“If you aren’t who you want to be, change who you are. I love you, and if you keep running I’ll keep chasing, so stop running. I’m never letting you go again. Just let yourself be happy.” Link’s blue eyes carried the weight of the last twenty years, of losing Rhett, the constant search to find him, thinking he was dead, and Link losing himself in the process of grief and acceptance. “And for what it’s worth, I like the way you are. Beard and all,” Link said, running his slim fingers through Rhett’s beard.

 

“I’ve hurt so many people. I don’t want to hurt you too,” Rhett said, as he took a step back and stared at the floor.

 

“That’s the past Rhett. Leave it all behind.  I don’t know what the future holds for us, but everything went off the rails for both of us that night. We can’t make up for twenty years of lost time, but that doesn’t mean we should let fear keep us apart,” Link pulled Rhett into a tight hug.

 

Rhett pressed his forehead to Link’s as he let a few tears fall. It had been so many years of running and hiding and being ashamed of who he was, what he had done. Relief washed over him as he let it all go. He sighed and wiped the tears off his cheeks. Suddenly he was keenly aware of his bandmates, awkwardly watching him. “Uh, hey guys, this is Link… he’s my…uh,”

 

“Boyfriend, I’m his boyfriend. Hi,” Link said shaking hands and introducing himself.  “Got room in the van for one more?”

 

“I dunno… guys, you think we could use a second singer? Maybe we should make him audition...” Rhett said to his bandmates.

 

“Hey, I also play the recorder and harmonica, thank you very much!” Link said with mock indignation.

 

“If memory serves you play a mean mouth trumpet too,” Rhett teased.

 

“I’ll show you my mouth skills later,” Link said with a cheeky wink. “Can we sing another song?”

 

“Sure Bo, anything you want,” Rhett said, smiling down at Link.

 

“The Way I Am?” Link asked.

 

Rhett hesitated for a second and then nodded and picked up his guitar.

 

_Wish I were down, on some blue bayou_

_A bamboo cane, stuck in the sand_

_But the road I’m on, don’t seem to go there_

_So I’ll just dream, and keep on being the way I am_

 

The first time he’d sung that song was the night he’d left. The night both their lives changed forever. He was seventeen, afraid of who he was, afraid of love. In some ways it had been the best and worst moment of his life. Being outed by Sue to his father, being forced to run away, it was his worst nightmare. But the few moments of intimacy with Link, the kisses and touches, had been exhilarating.

 

_Wish I enjoyed, what makes my living_

_Doin’ what I do, with a willing hand_

_Some would run, but that ain’t likely_

_So I’ll just dream on keeping the way I am_

 

The second time he sang it was onstage with Merle, made bittersweet by the lie he was living married to a woman he didn’t love, stuck in the prison of his own making. Merle had given him a gift by recognizing his talent. Given him a career where he was able to travel all over the country, singing the music he loved. But it always felt hollow, not having someone to share it with.

 

_The way I am, don’t fit my shackles_

_The way I am, reality_

_I can almost see that bobber dancing_

_So I just dream and keep on being the way I am_

 

But there, on the stage with Link their voices perfectly in harmony, Rhett realized this song, that at one time had meant so much, didn’t mean anything to him anymore. He suddenly had the life he wanted. He had the man beside him who was meant to be there. He didn’t have to dream of another life, because he was exactly where he was supposed to be. Rhett’s cheeks rose into two bright plums, his moustache twisting into a huge grin. He stood back and watched Link sing.He wondered why he had been such an idiot all this time,what he had been so afraid of. He didn’t have to be afraid anymore, finally, he could just be who he was.

 

_I just dream and keep on being the way I am._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to Kinley for her notes and encouragement. 
> 
> I'm going to write a companion/epilogue not sure what exactly, about Link's life without Rhett from 1996-2017 so stay tuned for that in the near future!


End file.
